Thursday, November 17, 2005

ABC's and Self-Esteem

self-esteem
n 1: a feeling of pride in yourself [syn: self-pride] 2: the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect; "it was beneath his dignity to cheat"; "showed his true dignity when under pressure" [syn: dignity, self-respect, self-regard]

We often hear of people struggling with so much in their adult lives. Career, marriage, friendships, and family life may suffer when we feel like we're not putting our best foot forward. And moreso, we may feel as if we don't even know how to do that. We sometimes lack the self-confidence, the self-assuredness, and the self-respect. We are lacking in adequate self-esteem.

This struggle does not magically rear it's ugly head one day when we least expect it. Self-esteem, or lack thereof, is something that is instilled in us from a very young age. Given any individual's history, traumas as well as huge successes shaped his/her self-image. With parental/teacher/primary caregiver guidance, reassurance, caring, love and encouragement- or lack thereof- we learned how to view ourselves. These views were then reinforced by our life experiences and eventually became a part of out internal monologue. Some children hear "you are wonderful" when their internal monologue is spoken. Others, unfortunately hear "you are stupid" or "you are not good enough". These phrases can become the thin line between success and disappointment. They can become the closing door or the opening window.

It is my wish that every child may hear "you are wonderful" when their internal monologue is spoken. And you, as parents, teachers, and primary caregivers can make this a reality. You can help the children around you seek success rather than cower in the face of disappointment. You can help them find open windows rather than closing their own doors.

Throughout college and some of graduate school, I worked for a few different daycare centers with pre-school aged children. I had the chance to work with infants up through kindergarteners, and I also had the chance to know their parents. I could tell, quite quickly and easily, which children would be progressing- socially and intellectually- and which might end up struggling. And to make this observation, I looked to their parents. The parents who were ready and interested to speak with me and the other teachers about their childrens' progress were invested in their childrens' experiences and growth as individuals- even at a place as seemingly inconsequential as daycare.

By being involved, those parents set an important precedent in their childrens' lives: We love you, care about you, and believe in you - and we are teaching you to do the same for yourself.

Be one of those parents.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Conflict Resolution

One vital component to a healthy relationship is the ability to resolve conflict. As every person in any sort of relationship knows well, conflict arises whether we like it or not. The challenge is to resolve the conflict in a timely manner while maintaining our self-respect, feeling heard and respected by the other for our thoughts and feelings, and an enhanced closeness to the other as a result of the increased understanding that comes from a well-resolved conflict.

Why is conflict resolution so hard? Some people may find themselves on either side of the spectrum when it comes to unhealthy conflict resolution skills. One person may find themselves very resistant to conflict, or conflict avoidant, and will manifest this fear in different ways. He/she may quickly yet painfully shut down, emotionally, when faced with conflict. Some fears associated with a conflict situation may be: fear of rejection for disagreeing with partner, fear of "blowing up" at or incurring violence from partner, fear of being belittled for one's opinions, fear of being manipulated by partner to adhere to partner's wishes, and fear of the possible dissolution of the relationship for saying 'No' to partner. Ways that these fears manifest themselves are: walking away when being confronted about an issue, remaining very quiet and acquiescing to the other's decisions, agreeing with partner to "keep the peace" (in other words, not keeping good personal boundaries) or triangulating someone outside of the relationship to take your side in the conflict. These fears may overlap resulting in the intense anxiety often produced by a conflict situation.
The same anxiety is produced by the other possible unhealthy response to conflict: intense anger and explosiveness. Some manifestations of this are: any type of verbal manipulation to get one's way (yelling, talking down to other), physical violence against someone/something or throwing inanimate objects at someone/something, or triangulating someone outside of the relationship to take your side in the conflict.

It is important to note that the fundamental fears are the same for both groups of people. Both groups are afraid of losing control; the former for losing their perceived control of the "happy and undisturbed" relationship, and the latter for losing their perceived control of the other in the relationship. Attempted control over anything but yourself and your actions can lead to serious relationship problems.

If you notice any similarities between your conflict resolution skills and the ones listed, seeing a mental health professional could be of great help. Learning the skills necessary for healthy conflict resolution can do wonders for your relationship.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Credentials

Karen Israel has a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of North Texas, in Denton, Texas. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in the state of Texas and has been practicing psychotherapy both as an Intern and a certified professional for 12 years. She also has a national certification as a Board Certified Professional Counselor (BCPC).
Having gained extensive knowledge and clinical experience working with trauma victims, sexual abuse victims, and individuals with major depression and anxiety, as well as dual diagnoses, she has a solid foundation regarding individuals with severe issues. Karen's experience has offered her a widespread understanding of self-esteem issues and personal boundary work, and she affords her clients a comfortable and safe growth environment.
She is also specifically interested in relationship dynamics and works with clients on pre-marital, marital, and divorce issues as well as sexuality and sexual dysfunction issues.


My Philosophy - The Ripple Effect

Nature shows us how one tiny drop of water can dramatically alter the surface of an entire body of water; hence, The Ripple Effect.
I believe that people function in the same way. If you can make one small change on the inside, you have the capacity to witness miraculous changes on the outside.
Change is Possible.
You are Capable.
Let Me Help You Find the First Drop

Areas of Specialty and Interest

Anger Management
Assertiveness Training
Bereavement /Grief /Loss
Childhood Sexual Abuse Victims
Co-Dependency
Depression Management and Recovery
Marriage/Couples Issues
Relationship Issues
Self-Esteem Building
Sexual Dysfunction
Trauma Recovey
Divorce Recovery
Conflict Resolution
Pain Management
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Unplanned Pregnancy/Abortion Recovery
Women's Issues
Trauma Recovery for Veterans of War

Some Signs of Emotional Distress


1. Tension between you and your spouse or partner.
2. Unresolved issues with co-workers or boss that hinder productivity and workplace satisfaction.
3. Difficulty handling and/or effectively caring for your children.
4. Angry all of the time and unsure of the reason.
5. Inability to enjoy your friends, family and past-times in the manner to which you are accustomed.
6. Anxiety or fear around familiar situations and/or people.


These, among many others, can all be symptoms of a greater problem, such as depression or anxiety disorder.

But you don’t have to endure that discomfort any longer.

Everyone's Struggle


Your life is filled with numerous tasks and stressors that greatly impact your home, children, relationships, and career.
You work very diligently to balance these important pieces.
Sometimes, you find that the tools you have are just not sufficient enough to get you through the hardships that accompany your life.
Emotions are overlooked and personal connections may suffer once you have exhausted those resources.

This can wreak havoc in your life resulting in considerable dissatisfaction and even despair.

The Mechanics of Anger

The Mechanics: How Anger Occurs
Understanding the 'mechanics' of your anger is the first step
in mastering this mood.
The 'shoulds'
Many of us live our lives with a long list of 'shoulds'. These are our beliefs or expectations of how we should behave or how other people should behave. For example: 'he/she should arrive home from work on time, waiters or shop assistants should treat me with respect, my work colleagues should support me and cooperate with me. I should not make mistakes. I should be better at this'.
Each time one of these expectations is not met we get angry. But it's not the mismatch between our expectations and the actual event that causes the anger - we set ourselves up to become angry by having such a list in the first place.
Life will never match your personal expectations. It's full of individuals with their own views and their own ways of going about things. By our standards many of these will appear flawed or even bizarre.
But there is little we can do about it. This may be a tough one to accept. But it is reality and is accepting this is a prerequisite to having peace of mind. You have got to accept that you cannot have things your way all of the time. And you have got to accept that even you will not get things right all of them time. The price of not accepting this is to carry on being righteous and angry for the rest of your life...

Anger Triggers: 'Mind Reading'
Frequently it is not the event itself that provokes us but what we decide the other involved person is thinking or feeling about us.
When someone behaves in a manner that is against our 'rules' we arbitrarily decide that we 'know' their motives. We decide that we are able to read their minds.
For example: when a car overtakes us we get angry because we 'know' that the driver is looking down on us or thinks he/she is better than us in some way. If someone turns up late for a meeting we get angry because we 'know' they do not respect us. If someone in our family misunderstands us we get angry because we 'know' they are doing it deliberately.
In such cases we don't bother to ask them what, exactly, they are thinking or feeling at the time. After all why should we? We decide that if they truly cared about, respected, loved us they would live according to our rules - or they would 'know' that their behavior was going to upset us and not do it.
This kind of warped thinking may seem humorous when read in cold print but is frequently the kind of thinking that goes on in those moments when we are simmering and coming to the anger boil.
It occurs through lack of self-awareness - we get into the habit and it becomes our normal way of thinking. Then it's as if there is a mental program running in the background which guesses what a person is thinking, decides that they feel negative toward us, and then starts up our anger motor.

Anger triggers: 'Collecting Straws'
It's morning and you are getting ready for work. But you've run out of your favorite breakfast cereal. Or there's no milk. Or you can't find your keys. And you think to yourself I just know it's going to be one of those days!
You are about to begin collecting straws.
From now on you will be on the lookout for things to get annoyed about. And doing this will ensure that do not notice things that you might otherwise feel good about.
For some people this is a thing they do for a few hours or a day. Others collect straws over weeks or months. And become quite furious in the process.
That's it - I've had enough!
Let's say Jo is one of these collectors. She is shopping and in the supermarket is bumped by someone's trolley. Anyone else might be mildly irritated by the other persons' clumsiness. on a good day Jo might have let it pass, too.
But not today. Because she is on the lookout for things to add to her belief that today is one of those days and that the world is out to make her annoyed.
So she explodes with fury, creating a scene that she may later feel embarrassed about or experience self-hatred or guilt.
The intensity of her outburst is due to the suppressed anger built up since she first thought to herself It's going to be one of those days! And the unfortunate person who bumped into her while searching for the chocolate biscuits bears the brunt of this accumulated irritability or anger.
Days or weeks of 'collecting'
People with a strong anger-habit don't collect reasons to feel angry over just a few hours. They can spend weeks, months or a lifetime doing it. This accounts for their quite over-the-top response to rather insignificant events.
When these people reach their ' final straw' - the trigger event which takes them overboard the explosion can be quite severe and may even result in physical violence.
How does this work?
We find what we set ourselves up to find. If I have a belief that the world is out to get me, or that nobody respects me, or that my partner, friends or family hate me then I will find lots of evidence for this. And I will ignore any evidence that contradicts this.
All the little pieces of evidence are carefully collected along with our irritability for each situation. Mixing metaphors, it is as if we have a cooking put into which we put every event and keep it simmering. Then the point is reached where we have had enough and we explode.
Now it is as if the final straw event has tapped into our 'unfinished business reservoir' where our memories of anger and injustice and disrespect are stored.
In the case of severe anger this reservoir can include memories of slights and injustices going back to childhood.

Anger & Self Criticism
Many of us are pretty tough on ourselves. We set ourselves standards so high that even a saint might have difficulty in reaching them! And each time our performance fails to reach these unrealistically high standards we mentally criticize ourselves - with harsh, aggressive self-talk.
Living by their rules
What is often occurring here is that we are living according to other's rules. Over the years, and particularly during our childhood years, we acquire lots of standards or 'rules to live by' from our parents, brothers or sisters, teachers, religious mentors, etc.
And, once acquired, we often accept these rules as being 'the right way' of doing things. We don't subject them to on-going evaluation.
One result of this is that mature adults are often trying to live fulfilling lives with the beliefs and standards of a 6-year old.
We have never gotten round to updating our standards to suit our adult lifestyle.
Get it right!!
So, for example, the childhood lesson to 'get it right every time' that's a pretty tough standard to try to live up to in adult life. As is the lesson: 'if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing right'
Trying to live up to these lessons or beliefs in adult life is going to ensure we don't try new things very often because to do so will guarantee that we fall short of our learned perfectionist tendency.
Don't upset people!
Other out-dated beliefs that are often carried over from childhood include: 'Don't upset people' or 'A tidy house is the sign of a good parent' or 'You must win every time'.
We see the irrationally of our old beliefs
When they are brought out into the cold light of day we can usually see how irrational are these old legacy beliefs. But just doing that once or twice does not defuse them.
You need a more consistent program - where you are observing them in action and reminding yourself on a daily basis of how silly they are. Remember that beliefs work at an emotional level. To defuse them by yourself you need to do so very frequently - taking just one silly belief at a time and dealing with it until it fades in importance.
How out-dated beliefs provoke self criticism.
Unless I have challenged them my learned childhood beliefs will rule me. And every time I transgress one of them I undermine my self esteem. I fall short of the impossibly high inherited standards and, to try and get myself to meet these standards, I criticize myself - after all, that's how my parents or teachers tried to get me to meet them.
Continual self criticism with no apparent improvement when I compare myself with the (impossible and unrealistic) standards results in an on-going angry self tall: you're just useless! No can never do anything right! You stupid etc. etc.
This builds, accumulates and ferments. And soon it becomes directed outwards, too. I am so annoyed with myself that I 'take it out' on others and respond to their failings and misdemeanors with unnecessary fury.

Action on Anger: Diffuse the Anger Triggers
Should we keep it in or let it out?

Lots of experts advise us that it is much better to express anger rather than bottle it up.
They point out that suppressing anger can adversely affect our physical health and, in research, has frequently linked with heart disease.
Yet other experts advise that expressing anger only makes things worse because it exacerbates the difficult situation and can have a destructive impact on your relationships, your career, and even your personal liberty.
This conflicting advice does not seem to offer us much choice. Expressing anger is easier on the heart but you could end up lonely or in prison. Suppress anger and people will like you but you may damage your health.
What a choice!!
Fortunately these are not our only choices. There is a third option - not to get angry in the first place. That is what this article is about.
Dissolve Anger
The best way of dealing with the anger habit is to prevent it occurring in the first place. This means getting to know the triggers that evoke angry feelings and systematically defusing each trigger situation's ability to affect you.
Action Step 1: Remind yourself of a few facts
Fact 1: Recognize that you are not omnipotent! You cannot change the world. You cannot win every argument - every I'm-right-you're-wrong battle. And you cannot change other people - they have a right to their own views and behaviors.
Fact 2: Recognize that, just like you, other people are fallible and human. And that they are just as likely as you to say or do inappropriate and thoughtless things on occasions. Accept this and don't nourish a grievance when they do get it wrong.
Fact 3: Recognize that your anger hurts you much more than it hurts others - it affects your peace of mind, your relationships and your physical health.
Action Step 2: Find your anger-triggers
First find the triggers. Triggers are your signals that it is time to get angry and they are important because once one has been activated the feelings occur automatically and inevitably. So, from moment to moment, pay attention to what irritates you. So spend the next week or two building a list of these anger-triggers. Do it on a card or scrap of paper that you keep with you throughout the day.
Action Step 3: Rate the triggers on a Red Scale of 1-10
When you've got a sizeable list go through it and give a 10 score to triggers that evoke uncontrollable fury and 1 to those evoking very mild irritation. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the centre and on the left hand side re-write your 'Red Scale' triggers beginning with the highest scorers. On the opposite side write *all * the meanings (the mind-reading interpretations) that you tend to attach to each event. For example: lets' say being overtaken while driving is a trigger. Opposite this you might write 'they think they're better than me', or 'they're trying to look down on me because I have an old car' or 'because I'm younger/older than they', etc.
Once the triggers are on paper some of these meanings will appear silly to you. Great! You are on your way to feeling in control of your moods. But most will still be active triggers - as with phobias, an anger-response is an emotional and not a rational activity.
Action Step 4: Create a Trigger of the Week Card
Begin by selecting a moderate trigger - say one that scores four or five on your Red Scale. Make this your 'Trigger of the Week'. Write it on a sealed envelope or a 3 x 5 index card so you have a reminder with you at all times.
Beneath it write the significances or interpretations that you normally give such situations and which provoke your anger. Then list the *costs * of being a victim to this type of situation. For example, consider what it costs you when you get angry because the kids didn't clean their rooms? Your peace of mind is undermined for hours after the argument. They sulk for hours - days if they are teenagers. Perhaps you and your spouse argue over the importance of it at all. And so the list goes on.
Next, on the other side of your card list some *Better Ways * than becoming angry of getting what you want. What is a better way than shouting at kids of getting them to come home on time? What is a better way of getting respect from colleagues, friends or strangers. (In some cases there may be no way of doing this so accept that.) When you want your life-partner to understand you are there better ways than banging doors or shouting at them? Remind yourself, too, that you can't always get what you want - so accept that and get on with your life.
Action Step 5: Use the card when a trigger is activated
Every time your Trigger of the Week gets activated think to yourself, in the moment, 'here we go again - my trigger has been activated and I'm reacting like a puppet whose strings are being pulled - and this is no longer acceptable to me'.
Take a few relaxing breaths and then reflect on the implications of being a helpless victim to that trigger. Don't get angry with yourself, though, there's no point in that - it's just wired-in button. Simply decide you've had enough of it and that you are now learning to respond more appropriately. Use your Better Ways list and visualize how you could have responded.
Your investment in peace of mind
Work your way through all the anger-triggers on your list. Leave the highest scoring ones till last when you will have built up skill and confidence in neutralizing triggers. These steps will require a few minutes a week but when you consider how long have you been at the mercy of your anger moods you may well decide that this is a good investment of your time and attention.
Watch out for Secondary Gain...
Secondary gain is a psychological term for the pay-off you get from having a problem. So what do you get from becoming angry? Does it give you a feeling of power, as for example when you notice that it intimidates others? Does it give you a feeling of being hard-done-by? Is anger the only way you currently have of protecting yourself from others who might otherwise control or overwhelm you?
This secondary gain will undermine your anger-resolving process unless you get it really clear in your mind that you no longer want such a pay-off. Or that you now have better ways of attaining it.

Last point - Not All Anger is Unhealthy
Bear in mind that not all anger is unhealthy. Sometimes anger is quite appropriate - it can be our final defense against allowing other people to manipulate or dominate us. And it can motivate us to take action against injustice.
Anger is healthy when it is not on-going but is usefully channeled into appropriate action.
Information from www.pe2000.com

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships


How many of the following attitudes and behaviors are present in your relationships?
- Communication is open and spontaneous
- Rules/boundaries are clear and explicit, yet allows flexibility
- Individuality, freedom, and personal identity is enhanced
- Each enjoys doing things for self as well as for the other
- Play, humor, and having fun together is commonoplace
- Each does not attempt to "fix" or control the other
- Acceptance of self and other
- Assertiveness: feelings and needs are expressed
- Humility: ability to let og of the need to "be right"
- Self confidence and security in own worth
- Conflict is faced directly and resolved
- Openness to consructive feedback
- Each is trustful of the other
- Balance of giving and receiving
- Negotiations are fair and democratic
- Tolerance: forgiveness of self and other
- Mistakes are accepted and learned from
- Willingness to take risks and be vulnerable
- Other meaningful relationships enter and exist
- Each can enjoy being alone and privacy is resepcted
- Personal growth, change, and exploration is encouraged
- Continuity and consistency
- Balance of oneness (closeness) and separation from eachother
- Responsibility for own behaviors and happiness (not blaming other)

Do You Need Marriage Counseling?

Signs That Your Marriage May Need Marriage Counseling
1. Communications between the partners often take on a negative tone of and result in hostility or antagonistic encounters.
2. Communications are so bad that most talks about marriage problems end up in arguments or verbal fights.
3. Marriage problems have led to violence or physical fighting.
4. Marital troubles cause one spouse to become depressed, anxious, drink excessively, feel insecure, lose their self-esteem or withdraw.
5. One or both partners avoids or withdraws from the other or develops a lifestyle that leaves out the other against their wishes.
6. There are sexual problems in the relationship that cannot seem to be solved and if the sexual problems cause negative feelings or frustration.
7. Either marital partner has been unfaithful or is seriously considering having an affair.
8. A couple agrees together that they have marriage problems and do not know how to change things or solve their differences.
9. A spouse acts out feelings with actions that are mean, hateful or resentful.
10. Partners are staying together "for the sake of the children".

Why Choose a Marriage Counselor or Family Therapist?

Certainly, your friends, family and religious community can be excellent sources of advice, guidance and support for you and your partner in your time of need. However, no one is better equipped than a trained professional, such as a marriage counselor or family therapist, to help you work through the toughest parts of your marital difficulties.

Research repeatedly demonstrates the effectiveness of marriage and family therapy in treating the full range of mental and emotional disorders and health problems that may arise in times of marital difficulty.

Studies show that clients are highly satisfied with services of marriage counselors and family therapists. Clients report marked improvement in work productivity, co-worker relationships, family relationships, partner relationships, emotional health, overall health, social life and community involvement.
Marriage and Family Therapists regularly practice short-term therapy. About half of the treatment provided by MFTs is one-on-one with the other half divided between couple and family therapy, or a combination of treatments.

Mood and Food

MOOD AND FOOD
Understand The Relationship
Unexpected changes at work, going out for dinner, dining at a buffet — all can trigger urges to overeat. Mood, however, also can trigger overeating. For some people, eating may be a way of suppressing or soothing negative emotions, such as stress, anger, anxiety, boredom, sadness and loneliness. These negative states can be caused by everything from major life events to simple day-to-day hassles. Though the "comfort foods" turned to in times of trouble might provide short-term fixes, they can lead to an unhealthy long-term habit of eating in response to negative feelings, not hunger.

Emotional eaters don't necessarily eat more foods, they eat more unhealthy foods, such as starchy, sweet, salty and fatty foods. Consequently, if stress or negative emotions are chronic, emotional eating can cause health problems such as weight gain and increased cardiovascular risk.

The good news is that if you're prone to emotional eating, you can regain control of your eating habits. By understanding the reasons why stress and negative emotions may cause you to crave those unhealthy snacks, and how you can avoid indulging your cravings, you're well on your way to avoiding a dietary disaster.

The Connection Between Mood and Food
Major life events — such as unemployment, health problems, divorce and a shortage of emotional support — and daily-life hassles — such as a difficult commute to work, bad weather, and changes in your normal routine — are both thought to trigger emotional eating. But why do negative emotions lead to overeating?

A Physiologic Connection
How your body reacts to mood and food may play a role. Research indicates that some foods might have seemingly addictive qualities for many people. When you eat palatable foods, such as chocolate, your body releases trace amounts of mood- and satisfaction-elevating opiates. That "reward" may reinforce a preference for foods that are most closely associated with specific feelings.
Scientists are also studying the possibility that sweet and fatty foods might actually relieve your anxiety. Preliminary research in animals indicates that during a stressful event, the adrenal gland increases production of stress hormones, including those known as glucocorticoids. When they're present at high-enough concentrations, glucocorticoids help restore calm by shutting down the stress-response system. But when stress is chronic, the system keeps moving. The stress hormones maintain the stress response, which encourages the formation of fat cells, and steers you in the direction of the unhealthy favorites you think you need to restore your emotional state.

A Psychologic Connection
From a mental standpoint, food also can be a distraction. If you're worried about an upcoming event, or rethinking a conflict from earlier in the day, eating comfort foods may distract you. But the distraction is only temporary. While you're eating, your thoughts may be focused on the pleasant taste of your comfort food. Unfortunately, when you're done overeating, your attention returns to your worries, and you may now bear the additional burden of feeling guilt about overeating.

Managing mood and food: How to cope
In the long run, stress-related eating is an unhealthy coping strategy. If you think you have a clinical disorder, such as depression, see your doctor. If you think you're experiencing stress, follow these tips to help you avoid the unhealthy consequences of emotional eating:

Learn to recognize true hunger. Is your hunger physical or mental? If you ate just a few hours ago and don't have a rumbling stomach, you're probably not really hungry. Give the craving a few minutes to pass.
Know your triggers. For the next several days, write down what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat, how you're feeling and how hungry you are. Over time, you may see patterns emerge that reveal negative eating patterns and triggers to avoid.
Look elsewhere for comfort. Instead of unwrapping a candy bar, take a walk, treat yourself to a movie or call a friend. If you think that stress relating to a particular event is nudging you toward the refrigerator, try talking to someone about it to distract yourself. Plan enjoyable events for yourself.
Don't keep unhealthy foods around. Avoid having an abundance of starchy, high-fat, high-calorie comfort foods in the house. If you feel hungry or blue, postpone the shopping trip for a few hours so that these don't influence your decisions at the store.
Snack healthy. If you feel the urge to eat between meals, choose a low-fat, low-calorie food, such as fresh fruit, pretzels or unbuttered popcorn. Or test low-fat, lower-calorie versions of your favorite foods to see if they satisfy your craving.
Eat a balanced diet. If you're not getting enough calories to meet your energy needs, you may be more likely to give in to emotional eating. Try to eat at fairly regular times. Include foods from the basic groups in your meals. Emphasize whole grains, vegetables and fruits, as well as low-fat dairy products and lean protein sources. When you fill up on the basics, you're more likely to feel fuller, longer.
Exercise regularly. Your mood is more manageable and your body can more effectively fight stress when it's fit and well rested.
Prevent relapse. If you give in to emotional eating, forgive yourself and try to learn from it. Make a plan for how you can prevent it in the future.

Though strong emotions can trigger cravings for food, you can take steps to control those cravings. "Start by examining how negative moods and emotions affect your eating habits," says Matthew Clark, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "If you think you have an anxiety, depressive or other mood disorder, consult with your doctor about treatment options. If you think stress is playing a more prominent role, monitor your mood, plan stress-reducing activities and seek out social support."

content by:
(c) 2005 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. All rights reserved.

Enhancing Sexual Intimacy


Enhancing Sexual Intimacy
By: Karen Ray Israel, M.Ed., LPC


What do you do if your husband or boyfriend doesn’t want sex as often as he used to...or anymore at all?

This can be a serious concern to both parties in a relationship. I have chosen to focus on men in heterosexual relationships for this article specifically because of the social reputation men seem to have for having insatiable libidos.

It is possible, that throughout the course of a relationship, the desire for sex can wax and wane. When the man in a heterosexual relationship begins to desire sex less, this can create many adverse effects on the woman in the relationship. She may grow to feel inadequate and wonder if she is still alluring to him. She may begin to question her attractiveness resulting in lowered self-esteem and discord between the partners. She may also build anger, resentment, and sadness toward the situation which can perpetuate the loss of intimacy.

Something that is commonly paramount for most women is sexual intimacy and the resulting emotional intimacy that follows. For many women this is a very effective and quite pleasing way at continuously reestablishing her connection to her mate. When the male in the relationship loses his desire for sex, the female may understand that as an unwillingness to become closer and more united with her. It is therefore very important for both partners to understand the reasons for his diminished sexual appetite and come to an agreement about how to remedy this very delicate situation.

There are many possible reasons for a man’s lowered libido. First and foremost, all biological and physiological factors should be ruled out. If he is having any sort of sexual functioning issue, such as erectile dysfunction, impotence, or ejaculatory problems, he should seek the advice and potential treatment from a medical professional. Given that any biological problems are ruled out, the causes could then be psychological in nature. He could be dealing with a great deal of stress at work or home on a myriad of issues that can result in lack of sexual desire. Emotional stress can be tremendously more taxing on a person than the most rigorous physical stress because of the effort it takes for the mind to recover from the stressor. He may also deal with some anticipatory anxiety regarding sex which can cause premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or an overall uncertainty that he is pleasing his partner to her satisfaction.

Any type of pre-existing medical conditions can also cause added stress in his life that physiologically and psychologically may impede him or preoccupy him from wanting sex or even any sort of pleasure. Such conditions might be diabetes, blood pressure concerns, and other cardiac concerns that call for medications that may impede sexual desire.

This also brings me to the issue of depression. While depression, itself, can reduce anyone’s sexual desire, many anti-depressant medications out today also work against a person’s libido. If you or your partner are taking anti-depressants, check with your prescribing physician or psychiatrist about options which produce a lower incidence of sexual side-effects.

On a practical note, there is the possibility that the relationship has become stale or has lost some of its excitement. This loss can manifest itself in sexual intimacy as a result of the daily grind and schedule that constrains us all. Options to rediscover the fire that has dwindled are short vacations solely for the two of you, little gifts and surprises to add romance back into the relationship, or the supplementation of erotica as well as various sexual enhancement toys and devices that could really spice things up. Of course, communication about these particular additions is always recommended, so talk to your partner about his or her likes and dislikes and find out what will work best for both of you.

One remaining probable cause that is difficult for couples to look at is the man’s possible loss of interest in the relationship. It is important to mention that any emotional disparity on his part (or any partner’s part for that matter) is, to a great extent, due to his own actions and beliefs. The most aversive of issues, infidelity, is a very delicate matter and many mental health practitioners differ on whether or not to disclose any unfaithfulness. The help of a marriage counselor could greatly benefit a couple dealing with such an issue and help them decide the best course of action.

In the event that these psychological issues may be present, I advise seeking the help of a sex therapist or a mental health professional who has experience treating sexual disorders and related issues. Before, during, and after you seek the help of a professional, I recommend continuous openness, honesty and communication about the issues that brought you into therapy. Naturally, that would be my advice regarding anything that concerns two partners in a relationship. In a relationship, if one partner has a problem, they are both contributing to it and have the power to fix it as well.

Signs of Repressed Anger

Repressed and suppressed anger can be highly detrimental to your emotional and physical health. Here are a few of many possible red flags that you might be repressing anger:

1. Grinding teeth
2. Passive/aggressive behavior
3. Frequent headaches
4. Gastrotintestinal problems (heart burn, GERD, ulcers)
5. Irritability
6. Habitual lateness
7. Boredom
8. Sarcasm
9. Short temper
10. Depression
11. "Blowing up" or Raging at people
12. Impatience
13. Constant hurrying
14. Speaking harshly/abruptly
15. Self-centered behavior
16. Anxiety
17. Food abuse
18. Drug abuse
19. Memory/concentration problems
20. Procrastination
21. Sleep distrubance/difficulties
22. Perfectionism
23. Obsessions/Compulsions
24. Physical complaints
25. Self-destructiveness

Am I Depressed?


Here are some signs that you may be suffering from depression. The symptoms must be present during the same 2-week period to diagnose a depressive episode.

- Feeling down most of the time
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Noticeable appetite increase or decrease
- Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain - Irritable, frustrated, discouraged
- Isolating yourself from others
- Not engaging in the activities that usually bring you joy
- Thoughts, plans, or attempts of suicide
- Fatigue or loss of energy most of the time
- Feelings of worthlessness or excesive or inappropriate guilt
- Trouble concentrating or making decisions
- Feeling slowed down and restless

If you are experiencing any combination of these symptoms, you might want to speak to a mental health professional about depression and ways to combat it. There is no reason to be ashamed. Depression is manageable and you can overcome it.

You Are What You Think: Being Confident

How do confident people talk, walk, look, behave, manage situations? Here are 10 ways for you to begin thinking and practicing confidence.

1. Only you can measure your confidence. Don't even judge yourself based on other people's opinion of you. You'll find yourself guessing about what they're guessing.
2. Learn to hear, trust, and follow your internal signals. Feelings are the perfect navigation tools.
3. Challenge and failure are not "bad". Challenges and failures are opportunities for learning. Learning is a vehicle of growth.
4. Right here, right now! Hope and planning for the future is a fine thing, but what's happening NOW?! Pondering or regretting past can be helpful, but what's happening NOW!
5. Throw out self-defeating thinking. Replace negatives with positives.
6. Check your expectations. You can't expect people to know who you are if you aren't sure you know yourself. Only you can decide what you like, want, need or think.
7. Give something new a try and be glad you did.
8. Stop asking for permission to exist. For example, intead of "can I get my mail, please?" say "I'd like to get my mail, please".
9. External measures of success are always temporary. Be careful not to get lost in accumulating. Success, progress, value, and growth are found in your perspectives, attitudes, and presentation ot the world.
10. Experience your life as a miracle to be savored and enjoyed. You, yourself, are a miracle. Other people can value and enjoy whatever you choose to share with the world.

Adapted from Your Erroneous Zones and Pulling Your Own Strings, by Wayne Dyer, Ph.D.