Conflict Resolution

One vital component to a healthy relationship is the ability to resolve conflict. As every person in any sort of relationship knows well, conflict arises whether we like it or not. The challenge is to resolve the conflict in a timely manner while maintaining our self-respect, feeling heard and respected by the other for our thoughts and feelings, and an enhanced closeness to the other as a result of the increased understanding that comes from a well-resolved conflict.

Why is conflict resolution so hard? Some people may find themselves on either side of the spectrum when it comes to unhealthy conflict resolution skills. One person may find themselves very resistant to conflict, or conflict avoidant, and will manifest this fear in different ways. He/she may quickly yet painfully shut down, emotionally, when faced with conflict. Some fears associated with a conflict situation may be: fear of rejection for disagreeing with partner, fear of "blowing up" at or incurring violence from partner, fear of being belittled for one's opinions, fear of being manipulated by partner to adhere to partner's wishes, and fear of the possible dissolution of the relationship for saying 'No' to partner. Ways that these fears manifest themselves are: walking away when being confronted about an issue, remaining very quiet and acquiescing to the other's decisions, agreeing with partner to "keep the peace" (in other words, not keeping good personal boundaries) or triangulating someone outside of the relationship to take your side in the conflict. These fears may overlap resulting in the intense anxiety often produced by a conflict situation.
The same anxiety is produced by the other possible unhealthy response to conflict: intense anger and explosiveness. Some manifestations of this are: any type of verbal manipulation to get one's way (yelling, talking down to other), physical violence against someone/something or throwing inanimate objects at someone/something, or triangulating someone outside of the relationship to take your side in the conflict.

It is important to note that the fundamental fears are the same for both groups of people. Both groups are afraid of losing control; the former for losing their perceived control of the "happy and undisturbed" relationship, and the latter for losing their perceived control of the other in the relationship. Attempted control over anything but yourself and your actions can lead to serious relationship problems.

If you notice any similarities between your conflict resolution skills and the ones listed, seeing a mental health professional could be of great help. Learning the skills necessary for healthy conflict resolution can do wonders for your relationship.