The Mechanics of Anger

The Mechanics: How Anger Occurs
Understanding the 'mechanics' of your anger is the first step in mastering this mood.
The 'shoulds'
Many of us live our lives with a long list of 'shoulds'. These are our beliefs or expectations of how we should behave or how other people should behave. For example: 'he/she should arrive home from work on time, waiters or shop assistants should treat me with respect, my work colleagues should support me and cooperate with me. I should not make mistakes. I should be better at this'.
Each time one of these expectations is not met we get angry. But it's not the mismatch between our expectations and the actual event that causes the anger - we set ourselves up to become angry by having such a list in the first place.
Life will never match your personal expectations. It's full of individuals with their own views and their own ways of going about things. By our standards many of these will appear flawed or even bizarre.
But there is little we can do about it. This may be a tough one to accept. But it is reality and is accepting this is a prerequisite to having peace of mind. You have got to accept that you cannot have things your way all of the time. And you have got to accept that even you will not get things right all of them time. The price of not accepting this is to carry on being righteous and angry for the rest of your life...

Anger Triggers: 'Mind Reading'
Frequently it is not the event itself that provokes us but what we decide the other involved person is thinking or feeling about us.
When someone behaves in a manner that is against our 'rules' we arbitrarily decide that we 'know' their motives. We decide that we are able to read their minds.
For example: when a car overtakes us we get angry because we 'know' that the driver is looking down on us or thinks he/she is better than us in some way. If someone turns up late for a meeting we get angry because we 'know' they do not respect us. If someone in our family misunderstands us we get angry because we 'know' they are doing it deliberately.
In such cases we don't bother to ask them what, exactly, they are thinking or feeling at the time. After all why should we? We decide that if they truly cared about, respected, loved us they would live according to our rules - or they would 'know' that their behavior was going to upset us and not do it.
This kind of warped thinking may seem humorous when read in cold print but is frequently the kind of thinking that goes on in those moments when we are simmering and coming to the anger boil.
It occurs through lack of self-awareness - we get into the habit and it becomes our normal way of thinking. Then it's as if there is a mental program running in the background which guesses what a person is thinking, decides that they feel negative toward us, and then starts up our anger motor.

Anger triggers: 'Collecting Straws'
It's morning and you are getting ready for work. But you've run out of your favorite breakfast cereal. Or there's no milk. Or you can't find your keys. And you think to yourself I just know it's going to be one of those days!
You are about to begin collecting straws.
From now on you will be on the lookout for things to get annoyed about. And doing this will ensure that do not notice things that you might otherwise feel good about.
For some people this is a thing they do for a few hours or a day. Others collect straws over weeks or months. And become quite furious in the process.
That's it - I've had enough!
Let's say Jo is one of these collectors. She is shopping and in the supermarket is bumped by someone's trolley. Anyone else might be mildly irritated by the other persons' clumsiness. on a good day Jo might have let it pass, too.
But not today. Because she is on the lookout for things to add to her belief that today is one of those days and that the world is out to make her annoyed.
So she explodes with fury, creating a scene that she may later feel embarrassed about or experience self-hatred or guilt.
The intensity of her outburst is due to the suppressed anger built up since she first thought to herself It's going to be one of those days! And the unfortunate person who bumped into her while searching for the chocolate biscuits bears the brunt of this accumulated irritability or anger.
Days or weeks of 'collecting'
People with a strong anger-habit don't collect reasons to feel angry over just a few hours. They can spend weeks, months or a lifetime doing it. This accounts for their quite over-the-top response to rather insignificant events.
When these people reach their ' final straw' - the trigger event which takes them overboard the explosion can be quite severe and may even result in physical violence.
How does this work?
We find what we set ourselves up to find. If I have a belief that the world is out to get me, or that nobody respects me, or that my partner, friends or family hate me then I will find lots of evidence for this. And I will ignore any evidence that contradicts this.
All the little pieces of evidence are carefully collected along with our irritability for each situation. Mixing metaphors, it is as if we have a cooking put into which we put every event and keep it simmering. Then the point is reached where we have had enough and we explode.
Now it is as if the final straw event has tapped into our 'unfinished business reservoir' where our memories of anger and injustice and disrespect are stored.
In the case of severe anger this reservoir can include memories of slights and injustices going back to childhood.

Anger & Self Criticism
Many of us are pretty tough on ourselves. We set ourselves standards so high that even a saint might have difficulty in reaching them! And each time our performance fails to reach these unrealistically high standards we mentally criticize ourselves - with harsh, aggressive self-talk.
Living by their rules
What is often occurring here is that we are living according to other's rules. Over the years, and particularly during our childhood years, we acquire lots of standards or 'rules to live by' from our parents, brothers or sisters, teachers, religious mentors, etc.
And, once acquired, we often accept these rules as being 'the right way' of doing things. We don't subject them to on-going evaluation.
One result of this is that mature adults are often trying to live fulfilling lives with the beliefs and standards of a 6-year old.
We have never gotten round to updating our standards to suit our adult lifestyle.
Get it right!!
So, for example, the childhood lesson to 'get it right every time' that's a pretty tough standard to try to live up to in adult life. As is the lesson: 'if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing right'
Trying to live up to these lessons or beliefs in adult life is going to ensure we don't try new things very often because to do so will guarantee that we fall short of our learned perfectionist tendency.
Don't upset people!
Other out-dated beliefs that are often carried over from childhood include: 'Don't upset people' or 'A tidy house is the sign of a good parent' or 'You must win every time'.
We see the irrationally of our old beliefs
When they are brought out into the cold light of day we can usually see how irrational are these old legacy beliefs. But just doing that once or twice does not defuse them.
You need a more consistent program - where you are observing them in action and reminding yourself on a daily basis of how silly they are. Remember that beliefs work at an emotional level. To defuse them by yourself you need to do so very frequently - taking just one silly belief at a time and dealing with it until it fades in importance.
How out-dated beliefs provoke self criticism.
Unless I have challenged them my learned childhood beliefs will rule me. And every time I transgress one of them I undermine my self esteem. I fall short of the impossibly high inherited standards and, to try and get myself to meet these standards, I criticize myself - after all, that's how my parents or teachers tried to get me to meet them.
Continual self criticism with no apparent improvement when I compare myself with the (impossible and unrealistic) standards results in an on-going angry self tall: you're just useless! No can never do anything right! You stupid etc. etc.
This builds, accumulates and ferments. And soon it becomes directed outwards, too. I am so annoyed with myself that I 'take it out' on others and respond to their failings and misdemeanors with unnecessary fury.

Action on Anger: Diffuse the Anger Triggers
Should we keep it in or let it out?
Lots of experts advise us that it is much better to express anger rather than bottle it up.
They point out that suppressing anger can adversely affect our physical health and, in research, has frequently linked with heart disease.
Yet other experts advise that expressing anger only makes things worse because it exacerbates the difficult situation and can have a destructive impact on your relationships, your career, and even your personal liberty.
This conflicting advice does not seem to offer us much choice. Expressing anger is easier on the heart but you could end up lonely or in prison. Suppress anger and people will like you but you may damage your health.
What a choice!!
Fortunately these are not our only choices. There is a third option - not to get angry in the first place. That is what this article is about.
Dissolve Anger
The best way of dealing with the anger habit is to prevent it occurring in the first place. This means getting to know the triggers that evoke angry feelings and systematically defusing each trigger situation's ability to affect you.
Action Step 1: Remind yourself of a few facts
Fact 1: Recognize that you are not omnipotent! You cannot change the world. You cannot win every argument - every I'm-right-you're-wrong battle. And you cannot change other people - they have a right to their own views and behaviors.
Fact 2: Recognize that, just like you, other people are fallible and human. And that they are just as likely as you to say or do inappropriate and thoughtless things on occasions. Accept this and don't nourish a grievance when they do get it wrong.
Fact 3: Recognize that your anger hurts you much more than it hurts others - it affects your peace of mind, your relationships and your physical health.
Action Step 2: Find your anger-triggers
First find the triggers. Triggers are your signals that it is time to get angry and they are important because once one has been activated the feelings occur automatically and inevitably. So, from moment to moment, pay attention to what irritates you. So spend the next week or two building a list of these anger-triggers. Do it on a card or scrap of paper that you keep with you throughout the day.
Action Step 3: Rate the triggers on a Red Scale of 1-10
When you've got a sizeable list go through it and give a 10 score to triggers that evoke uncontrollable fury and 1 to those evoking very mild irritation. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the centre and on the left hand side re-write your 'Red Scale' triggers beginning with the highest scorers. On the opposite side write *all * the meanings (the mind-reading interpretations) that you tend to attach to each event. For example: lets' say being overtaken while driving is a trigger. Opposite this you might write 'they think they're better than me', or 'they're trying to look down on me because I have an old car' or 'because I'm younger/older than they', etc.
Once the triggers are on paper some of these meanings will appear silly to you. Great! You are on your way to feeling in control of your moods. But most will still be active triggers - as with phobias, an anger-response is an emotional and not a rational activity.
Action Step 4: Create a Trigger of the Week Card
Begin by selecting a moderate trigger - say one that scores four or five on your Red Scale. Make this your 'Trigger of the Week'. Write it on a sealed envelope or a 3 x 5 index card so you have a reminder with you at all times.
Beneath it write the significances or interpretations that you normally give such situations and which provoke your anger. Then list the *costs * of being a victim to this type of situation. For example, consider what it costs you when you get angry because the kids didn't clean their rooms? Your peace of mind is undermined for hours after the argument. They sulk for hours - days if they are teenagers. Perhaps you and your spouse argue over the importance of it at all. And so the list goes on.
Next, on the other side of your card list some *Better Ways * than becoming angry of getting what you want. What is a better way than shouting at kids of getting them to come home on time? What is a better way of getting respect from colleagues, friends or strangers. (In some cases there may be no way of doing this so accept that.) When you want your life-partner to understand you are there better ways than banging doors or shouting at them? Remind yourself, too, that you can't always get what you want - so accept that and get on with your life.
Action Step 5: Use the card when a trigger is activated
Every time your Trigger of the Week gets activated think to yourself, in the moment, 'here we go again - my trigger has been activated and I'm reacting like a puppet whose strings are being pulled - and this is no longer acceptable to me'.
Take a few relaxing breaths and then reflect on the implications of being a helpless victim to that trigger. Don't get angry with yourself, though, there's no point in that - it's just wired-in button. Simply decide you've had enough of it and that you are now learning to respond more appropriately. Use your Better Ways list and visualize how you could have responded.
Your investment in peace of mind
Work your way through all the anger-triggers on your list. Leave the highest scoring ones till last when you will have built up skill and confidence in neutralizing triggers. These steps will require a few minutes a week but when you consider how long have you been at the mercy of your anger moods you may well decide that this is a good investment of your time and attention.
Watch out for Secondary Gain...
Secondary gain is a psychological term for the pay-off you get from having a problem. So what do you get from becoming angry? Does it give you a feeling of power, as for example when you notice that it intimidates others? Does it give you a feeling of being hard-done-by? Is anger the only way you currently have of protecting yourself from others who might otherwise control or overwhelm you?
This secondary gain will undermine your anger-resolving process unless you get it really clear in your mind that you no longer want such a pay-off. Or that you now have better ways of attaining it.

Last point - Not All Anger is Unhealthy
Bear in mind that not all anger is unhealthy. Sometimes anger is quite appropriate - it can be our final defense against allowing other people to manipulate or dominate us. And it can motivate us to take action against injustice.
Anger is healthy when it is not on-going but is usefully channeled into appropriate action.

Information from www.pe2000.com