Ahh, the good ol' days...

I read a great article through my MSN health and fitness subscription. Here various doctors, researchers, and writers talk about the benefits of happy memory recall over the nasty effects of depression.
While severe depression is a serious dis-ease and calls for a comprehensive treatment plan, the maxim behind this article is uplifting and may even bring a smile to your face while reading it :)

READ THE ARTICLE

Don't Take " Pill " For An Answer

I am infuriated by the staggering number of doctors, who we might as well call pill-pushers, who add shame to the healing profession.

Please-- If you see your general medical practitioner for emotional problems, DON'T TAKE "PILL" FOR AN ANSWER!

1) Ask about how COUNSELING can help you deal with your issues and possibly bypass having to take meds altogether!
2) Ask them for a referral to a psychiatrist so you know you will be monitored by a doctor who is abreast of all the latest psychiatric research should you need med management.
3) If your general medical practitioner says nothing about therapy or dodges your inquiries, find a new one!
4) Find a doctor who has a good bedside manner and who makes it clear that they care for your well-being.

We tend to view our doctors as mentors, authority figures, and all knowing healers. We trust them implicitly. Let us not forget that we must trust ourselves as well. Question your doctors, talk to them, be inquisitive. Play a working role in your health.

Charity Begins At Home

When the topic of emotional and mental problems arises, it has become an unfortunate assumption in our society that a pill can solve all problems. This is simply not true and I'd like to open your eyes to the reality of depression, anti-depressant medications and all of the gray area in between.

First things first-- diagnosis. The DSM-IV TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition Text Revision), published by the American Psychiatric Association, is the most updated manual describing in great detail virtually every mental disorder and is used by every mental health professional in the United States and many other countries. The DSM helps us make diagnoses based on a multidimensional approach to incorporate all of the possible contributions to a person's mental state.

Q: Who makes these diagnoses?
A: A medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, licensed professional counselor, clinical social worker, or other competent mental health practitioner.

Once the appropriate diagnosis is made, based on the criteria set for the disorder, a plan of action is devised. This may or may not include medication management, which brings me to my point.

Once a qualified practitioner makes a diganosis, such as depression for example, he/she may find that through the patient's reporting as well as the level of severity as stated by the DSM, medication management may be helpful short term. At this point a psychiatrist will prescribe medication or a non-medical pratictioner will refer the patient to a competent psychiatrist. The short term medication management often lasts up to 6 months and its purpose is to alleviate the severe impacts of the depression to allow simultaneous talk therapy to take effect.

Simultaneous talk therapy is pertinent to recovery regardless of the illness.

It is possible that the client's mental state is more severe and longterm, and with the psychiatrist's and counselor's close and watchful eye, medication is managed for as long as deemed necessary in the best interest of the patient.

In many cases medication management is not needed at all as cognitive-behavioral talk therapy may be all the help the patient needs.

A few words about psychotropic drugs

I have seen miraculous changes in people as a result of proper medication management. They go on to live productive lives and find themselves again. When talk therapy is implemented as an equal part of treatment, poeple learn to cognitively and behaviorally manage their symptoms, should they arise again, resulting in less of a need for medication.

I believe that medicine has come a long way and we can surely reap the benefits. However, let us not forget that within us is our own medicine-- the presence of mind to know we need help, to ask for it, and to learn from our teachers and heal ourselves.

Helpful Books

Here are just a few self-help/emotional growth books that I have read that I really like. They could offer some insight into whatever you may be dealing with.

"Self Esteem" by McKay and Fanning
Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Anger" and other similar books
"Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie
"You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay
"The Book of Romance" by Tommy Nelson
"Mind Over Mood" by Padesky and Greenberger
"Men Like Women Who Like Themselves:(And Other Secrets That the Smartest Women Know)" by Carter and Sokol

Words To Live By

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on — or you will be taught to fly." — Patrick Overton

Find Accountability and Forgiveness... Discover Self Respect

I Am More Than Enough

When we begin our path of emotional growth, we may be overcome by emotions such as anger, resentment, confusion, and doubt because we are finally seeing our lives as they are and uncovering the protective yet deceptive veil of denial. On this journey, we may uncover anger toward our families for raising us the way they did. But through insight and awareness, we can take ownership and realize that our souls needed those experiences. As we progress in our self-exploration and living as functioning adults, we can begin to let go of the resentment and take responsibiity for our lives.

Stopping to blame others is only the first step. To truly release blame from your mindset, you need to stop blaming yourself. The same voice inside you that screams, “I hate my mom, I can’t believe what she did to me all those years” is also the voice that says, “I hate myself, I screwed up again, I’ll never finish this project, I’ll never make this relationship last” and other such defeating thoughts.

The gift of this week is the increased ability to recognize how ineffective beating yourself up is. If you tune into your internal dialogue, you’ll become aware of how often you are blaming yourself for one thing or the other. It’s essential to have this awareness because the most important focus is the mind. It controls everything.

The quality of your thoughts determines the quality of your life.

Imagine hearing a good friend talk badly about himself. When someone I care about comes to me and says, “I am not good enough,” I immediately disagree and point out their good points. I patiently give them love and help them see that, despite their shortcomings, they contain the spark of God within and, therefore, can do anything.

Why can’t we do that for ourselves?

This week let positive energy push us towards a finer awareness of our stinkin’ thinkin’. This week we can turn ourselves into our own best friends. This week we can give ourselves a warm embrace and say, “I am more than enough.”

We are so used to convincing ourselves why we’re not skinny enough to meet our soul mate, strong enough to stay connected spiritually, smart enough to make more money, that we stop trying.

Repeating in your mind “I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH” twists the downer thoughts to the upside.

Before you leave this tune up and dive back into your hectic life, please, please, tattoo these words onto your brain and repeat them every time you notice the negative loop running again: I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH… I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH… I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH…

Excerpts taken from Yehuda Berg's Weekly Consciousness Tune-Ups

Now...... What Do Women Really Want?

Here is the "she said" portion of Donny Deutsch's poll, this time taken from 1,000 women across the United States; another interesting look into contemporary love.

Click here to watch the clip.

What Men Really Think About Love

Here is a very interesting video clip that I saw on the Today Show. Katie Couric interviews Donny Deutsch for this reveal of some very comforting, enlightening, and encouraging findings from a national poll he did. What do men really think about love? I think men and women will be pleasantly surprised.

P.S. Please wait through the commercial, then the video clip will begin.

Click Here For The Video

Breaking Up

Whether you are getting over a minor breakup or a major divorce and you had genuine and sincere feelings for that person and the relationship, breaking up can be a diffcult and painful task. It often takes a considerable amount of time to recover from this loss- the loss of a partner, the friendship that accompanied that partnership, the security that the relationship afforded you, and the temporary void you feel now that the relationship is over. Some irrational fears may accompany the break-up such as feelings of inferiority, excessive guilt for the dissolution of the relationship, and hopelessness of ever finding someone else to love you or finding someone to love.

But breakups don't have to be impossible and you can recover. The possibility of a fresher and reenergized self can emerge if you look at the breakup for what it is and what it can teach you for the future. Even in the midst of sadness and doubt and all of the pain that you may need to endure as a mourner to a former chapter of life, you can grow from the experience. Your attitude and belief system regarding breaking up and especially divorce is of utmost importance and you may find that you may need to adjust your conceptualization. It could be your saving grace- the thing that allows you to move on wiser and more self-assured that you can find happiness in life no matter what you endured in the past.

If you are dealing with these issues and find yourself stuck in bereavement or irrational thinking, counseling could help you out of it. The possibility of a happier, more productive way of experiencing love and relationships is here if you want it. All you have to do is ask.

ABC's and Self-Esteem

self-esteem
n 1: a feeling of pride in yourself [syn: self-pride] 2: the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect; "it was beneath his dignity to cheat"; "showed his true dignity when under pressure" [syn: dignity, self-respect, self-regard]

We often hear of people struggling with so much in their adult lives. Career, marriage, friendships, and family life may suffer when we feel like we're not putting our best foot forward. And moreso, we may feel as if we don't even know how to do that. We sometimes lack the self-confidence, the self-assuredness, and the self-respect. We are lacking in adequate self-esteem.

This struggle does not magically rear it's ugly head one day when we least expect it. Self-esteem, or lack thereof, is something that is instilled in us from a very young age. Given any individual's history, traumas as well as huge successes shaped his/her self-image. With parental/teacher/primary caregiver guidance, reassurance, caring, love and encouragement- or lack thereof- we learned how to view ourselves. These views were then reinforced by our life experiences and eventually became a part of out internal monologue. Some children hear "you are wonderful" when their internal monologue is spoken. Others, unfortunately hear "you are stupid" or "you are not good enough". These phrases can become the thin line between success and disappointment. They can become the closing door or the opening window.

It is my wish that every child may hear "you are wonderful" when their internal monologue is spoken. And you, as parents, teachers, and primary caregivers can make this a reality. You can help the children around you seek success rather than cower in the face of disappointment. You can help them find open windows rather than closing their own doors.

Throughout college and some of graduate school, I worked for a few different daycare centers with pre-school aged children. I had the chance to work with infants up through kindergarteners, and I also had the chance to know their parents. I could tell, quite quickly and easily, which children would be progressing- socially and intellectually- and which might end up struggling. And to make this observation, I looked to their parents. The parents who were ready and interested to speak with me and the other teachers about their childrens' progress were invested in their childrens' experiences and growth as individuals- even at a place as seemingly inconsequential as daycare.

By being involved, those parents set an important precedent in their childrens' lives: We love you, care about you, and believe in you - and we are teaching you to do the same for yourself.

Be one of those parents.

Conflict Resolution

One vital component to a healthy relationship is the ability to resolve conflict. As every person in any sort of relationship knows well, conflict arises whether we like it or not. The challenge is to resolve the conflict in a timely manner while maintaining our self-respect, feeling heard and respected by the other for our thoughts and feelings, and an enhanced closeness to the other as a result of the increased understanding that comes from a well-resolved conflict.

Why is conflict resolution so hard? Some people may find themselves on either side of the spectrum when it comes to unhealthy conflict resolution skills. One person may find themselves very resistant to conflict, or conflict avoidant, and will manifest this fear in different ways. He/she may quickly yet painfully shut down, emotionally, when faced with conflict. Some fears associated with a conflict situation may be: fear of rejection for disagreeing with partner, fear of "blowing up" at or incurring violence from partner, fear of being belittled for one's opinions, fear of being manipulated by partner to adhere to partner's wishes, and fear of the possible dissolution of the relationship for saying 'No' to partner. Ways that these fears manifest themselves are: walking away when being confronted about an issue, remaining very quiet and acquiescing to the other's decisions, agreeing with partner to "keep the peace" (in other words, not keeping good personal boundaries) or triangulating someone outside of the relationship to take your side in the conflict. These fears may overlap resulting in the intense anxiety often produced by a conflict situation.
The same anxiety is produced by the other possible unhealthy response to conflict: intense anger and explosiveness. Some manifestations of this are: any type of verbal manipulation to get one's way (yelling, talking down to other), physical violence against someone/something or throwing inanimate objects at someone/something, or triangulating someone outside of the relationship to take your side in the conflict.

It is important to note that the fundamental fears are the same for both groups of people. Both groups are afraid of losing control; the former for losing their perceived control of the "happy and undisturbed" relationship, and the latter for losing their perceived control of the other in the relationship. Attempted control over anything but yourself and your actions can lead to serious relationship problems.

If you notice any similarities between your conflict resolution skills and the ones listed, seeing a mental health professional could be of great help. Learning the skills necessary for healthy conflict resolution can do wonders for your relationship.

Credentials

Karen Israel has a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of North Texas, in Denton, Texas. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in the state of Texas and has been practicing psychotherapy both as an Intern and a certified professional for 12 years. She also has a national certification as a Board Certified Professional Counselor (BCPC).
Having gained extensive knowledge and clinical experience working with trauma victims, sexual abuse victims, and individuals with major depression and anxiety, as well as dual diagnoses, she has a solid foundation regarding individuals with severe issues. Karen's experience has offered her a widespread understanding of self-esteem issues and personal boundary work, and she affords her clients a comfortable and safe growth environment.
She is also specifically interested in relationship dynamics and works with clients on pre-marital, marital, and divorce issues as well as sexuality and sexual dysfunction issues.

My Philosophy - The Ripple Effect

Nature shows us how one tiny drop of water can dramatically alter the surface of an entire body of water; hence, The Ripple Effect.

I believe that people function in the same way. If you can make one small change on the inside, you have the capacity to witness miraculous changes on the outside.

Change is Possible.

You are Capable.

Let Me Help You Find the First Drop

Areas of Specialty and Interest

Anger Management
Assertiveness Training
Bereavement /Grief /Loss
Childhood Sexual Abuse Victims
Co-Dependency
Depression Management and Recovery
Marriage/Couples Issues
Relationship Issues
Self-Esteem Building
Sexual Dysfunction
Trauma Recovey
Divorce Recovery
Conflict Resolution
Pain Management
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Unplanned Pregnancy/Abortion Recovery
Women's Issues
Trauma Recovery for Veterans of War

Some Signs of Emotional Distress

1. Tension between you and your spouse or partner.
2. Unresolved issues with co-workers or boss that hinder productivity and workplace satisfaction.
3. Difficulty handling and/or effectively caring for your children.
4. Angry all of the time and unsure of the reason.
5. Inability to enjoy your friends, family and past-times in the manner to which you are accustomed.
6. Anxiety or fear around familiar situations and/or people.

These, among many others, can all be symptoms of a greater problem, such as depression or anxiety disorder.
But you don’t have to endure that discomfort any longer.

Everyone's Struggle

Your life is filled with numerous tasks and stressors that greatly impact your home, children, relationships, and career.
You work very diligently to balance these important pieces.
Sometimes, you find that the tools you have are just not sufficient enough to get you through the hardships that accompany your life.
Emotions are overlooked and personal connections may suffer once you have exhausted those resources.
This can wreak havoc in your life resulting in considerable dissatisfaction and even despair.

The Mechanics of Anger

The Mechanics: How Anger Occurs
Understanding the 'mechanics' of your anger is the first step in mastering this mood.
The 'shoulds'
Many of us live our lives with a long list of 'shoulds'. These are our beliefs or expectations of how we should behave or how other people should behave. For example: 'he/she should arrive home from work on time, waiters or shop assistants should treat me with respect, my work colleagues should support me and cooperate with me. I should not make mistakes. I should be better at this'.
Each time one of these expectations is not met we get angry. But it's not the mismatch between our expectations and the actual event that causes the anger - we set ourselves up to become angry by having such a list in the first place.
Life will never match your personal expectations. It's full of individuals with their own views and their own ways of going about things. By our standards many of these will appear flawed or even bizarre.
But there is little we can do about it. This may be a tough one to accept. But it is reality and is accepting this is a prerequisite to having peace of mind. You have got to accept that you cannot have things your way all of the time. And you have got to accept that even you will not get things right all of them time. The price of not accepting this is to carry on being righteous and angry for the rest of your life...

Anger Triggers: 'Mind Reading'
Frequently it is not the event itself that provokes us but what we decide the other involved person is thinking or feeling about us.
When someone behaves in a manner that is against our 'rules' we arbitrarily decide that we 'know' their motives. We decide that we are able to read their minds.
For example: when a car overtakes us we get angry because we 'know' that the driver is looking down on us or thinks he/she is better than us in some way. If someone turns up late for a meeting we get angry because we 'know' they do not respect us. If someone in our family misunderstands us we get angry because we 'know' they are doing it deliberately.
In such cases we don't bother to ask them what, exactly, they are thinking or feeling at the time. After all why should we? We decide that if they truly cared about, respected, loved us they would live according to our rules - or they would 'know' that their behavior was going to upset us and not do it.
This kind of warped thinking may seem humorous when read in cold print but is frequently the kind of thinking that goes on in those moments when we are simmering and coming to the anger boil.
It occurs through lack of self-awareness - we get into the habit and it becomes our normal way of thinking. Then it's as if there is a mental program running in the background which guesses what a person is thinking, decides that they feel negative toward us, and then starts up our anger motor.

Anger triggers: 'Collecting Straws'
It's morning and you are getting ready for work. But you've run out of your favorite breakfast cereal. Or there's no milk. Or you can't find your keys. And you think to yourself I just know it's going to be one of those days!
You are about to begin collecting straws.
From now on you will be on the lookout for things to get annoyed about. And doing this will ensure that do not notice things that you might otherwise feel good about.
For some people this is a thing they do for a few hours or a day. Others collect straws over weeks or months. And become quite furious in the process.
That's it - I've had enough!
Let's say Jo is one of these collectors. She is shopping and in the supermarket is bumped by someone's trolley. Anyone else might be mildly irritated by the other persons' clumsiness. on a good day Jo might have let it pass, too.
But not today. Because she is on the lookout for things to add to her belief that today is one of those days and that the world is out to make her annoyed.
So she explodes with fury, creating a scene that she may later feel embarrassed about or experience self-hatred or guilt.
The intensity of her outburst is due to the suppressed anger built up since she first thought to herself It's going to be one of those days! And the unfortunate person who bumped into her while searching for the chocolate biscuits bears the brunt of this accumulated irritability or anger.
Days or weeks of 'collecting'
People with a strong anger-habit don't collect reasons to feel angry over just a few hours. They can spend weeks, months or a lifetime doing it. This accounts for their quite over-the-top response to rather insignificant events.
When these people reach their ' final straw' - the trigger event which takes them overboard the explosion can be quite severe and may even result in physical violence.
How does this work?
We find what we set ourselves up to find. If I have a belief that the world is out to get me, or that nobody respects me, or that my partner, friends or family hate me then I will find lots of evidence for this. And I will ignore any evidence that contradicts this.
All the little pieces of evidence are carefully collected along with our irritability for each situation. Mixing metaphors, it is as if we have a cooking put into which we put every event and keep it simmering. Then the point is reached where we have had enough and we explode.
Now it is as if the final straw event has tapped into our 'unfinished business reservoir' where our memories of anger and injustice and disrespect are stored.
In the case of severe anger this reservoir can include memories of slights and injustices going back to childhood.

Anger & Self Criticism
Many of us are pretty tough on ourselves. We set ourselves standards so high that even a saint might have difficulty in reaching them! And each time our performance fails to reach these unrealistically high standards we mentally criticize ourselves - with harsh, aggressive self-talk.
Living by their rules
What is often occurring here is that we are living according to other's rules. Over the years, and particularly during our childhood years, we acquire lots of standards or 'rules to live by' from our parents, brothers or sisters, teachers, religious mentors, etc.
And, once acquired, we often accept these rules as being 'the right way' of doing things. We don't subject them to on-going evaluation.
One result of this is that mature adults are often trying to live fulfilling lives with the beliefs and standards of a 6-year old.
We have never gotten round to updating our standards to suit our adult lifestyle.
Get it right!!
So, for example, the childhood lesson to 'get it right every time' that's a pretty tough standard to try to live up to in adult life. As is the lesson: 'if a thing is worth doing it's worth doing right'
Trying to live up to these lessons or beliefs in adult life is going to ensure we don't try new things very often because to do so will guarantee that we fall short of our learned perfectionist tendency.
Don't upset people!
Other out-dated beliefs that are often carried over from childhood include: 'Don't upset people' or 'A tidy house is the sign of a good parent' or 'You must win every time'.
We see the irrationally of our old beliefs
When they are brought out into the cold light of day we can usually see how irrational are these old legacy beliefs. But just doing that once or twice does not defuse them.
You need a more consistent program - where you are observing them in action and reminding yourself on a daily basis of how silly they are. Remember that beliefs work at an emotional level. To defuse them by yourself you need to do so very frequently - taking just one silly belief at a time and dealing with it until it fades in importance.
How out-dated beliefs provoke self criticism.
Unless I have challenged them my learned childhood beliefs will rule me. And every time I transgress one of them I undermine my self esteem. I fall short of the impossibly high inherited standards and, to try and get myself to meet these standards, I criticize myself - after all, that's how my parents or teachers tried to get me to meet them.
Continual self criticism with no apparent improvement when I compare myself with the (impossible and unrealistic) standards results in an on-going angry self tall: you're just useless! No can never do anything right! You stupid etc. etc.
This builds, accumulates and ferments. And soon it becomes directed outwards, too. I am so annoyed with myself that I 'take it out' on others and respond to their failings and misdemeanors with unnecessary fury.

Action on Anger: Diffuse the Anger Triggers
Should we keep it in or let it out?
Lots of experts advise us that it is much better to express anger rather than bottle it up.
They point out that suppressing anger can adversely affect our physical health and, in research, has frequently linked with heart disease.
Yet other experts advise that expressing anger only makes things worse because it exacerbates the difficult situation and can have a destructive impact on your relationships, your career, and even your personal liberty.
This conflicting advice does not seem to offer us much choice. Expressing anger is easier on the heart but you could end up lonely or in prison. Suppress anger and people will like you but you may damage your health.
What a choice!!
Fortunately these are not our only choices. There is a third option - not to get angry in the first place. That is what this article is about.
Dissolve Anger
The best way of dealing with the anger habit is to prevent it occurring in the first place. This means getting to know the triggers that evoke angry feelings and systematically defusing each trigger situation's ability to affect you.
Action Step 1: Remind yourself of a few facts
Fact 1: Recognize that you are not omnipotent! You cannot change the world. You cannot win every argument - every I'm-right-you're-wrong battle. And you cannot change other people - they have a right to their own views and behaviors.
Fact 2: Recognize that, just like you, other people are fallible and human. And that they are just as likely as you to say or do inappropriate and thoughtless things on occasions. Accept this and don't nourish a grievance when they do get it wrong.
Fact 3: Recognize that your anger hurts you much more than it hurts others - it affects your peace of mind, your relationships and your physical health.
Action Step 2: Find your anger-triggers
First find the triggers. Triggers are your signals that it is time to get angry and they are important because once one has been activated the feelings occur automatically and inevitably. So, from moment to moment, pay attention to what irritates you. So spend the next week or two building a list of these anger-triggers. Do it on a card or scrap of paper that you keep with you throughout the day.
Action Step 3: Rate the triggers on a Red Scale of 1-10
When you've got a sizeable list go through it and give a 10 score to triggers that evoke uncontrollable fury and 1 to those evoking very mild irritation. Get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the centre and on the left hand side re-write your 'Red Scale' triggers beginning with the highest scorers. On the opposite side write *all * the meanings (the mind-reading interpretations) that you tend to attach to each event. For example: lets' say being overtaken while driving is a trigger. Opposite this you might write 'they think they're better than me', or 'they're trying to look down on me because I have an old car' or 'because I'm younger/older than they', etc.
Once the triggers are on paper some of these meanings will appear silly to you. Great! You are on your way to feeling in control of your moods. But most will still be active triggers - as with phobias, an anger-response is an emotional and not a rational activity.
Action Step 4: Create a Trigger of the Week Card
Begin by selecting a moderate trigger - say one that scores four or five on your Red Scale. Make this your 'Trigger of the Week'. Write it on a sealed envelope or a 3 x 5 index card so you have a reminder with you at all times.
Beneath it write the significances or interpretations that you normally give such situations and which provoke your anger. Then list the *costs * of being a victim to this type of situation. For example, consider what it costs you when you get angry because the kids didn't clean their rooms? Your peace of mind is undermined for hours after the argument. They sulk for hours - days if they are teenagers. Perhaps you and your spouse argue over the importance of it at all. And so the list goes on.
Next, on the other side of your card list some *Better Ways * than becoming angry of getting what you want. What is a better way than shouting at kids of getting them to come home on time? What is a better way of getting respect from colleagues, friends or strangers. (In some cases there may be no way of doing this so accept that.) When you want your life-partner to understand you are there better ways than banging doors or shouting at them? Remind yourself, too, that you can't always get what you want - so accept that and get on with your life.
Action Step 5: Use the card when a trigger is activated
Every time your Trigger of the Week gets activated think to yourself, in the moment, 'here we go again - my trigger has been activated and I'm reacting like a puppet whose strings are being pulled - and this is no longer acceptable to me'.
Take a few relaxing breaths and then reflect on the implications of being a helpless victim to that trigger. Don't get angry with yourself, though, there's no point in that - it's just wired-in button. Simply decide you've had enough of it and that you are now learning to respond more appropriately. Use your Better Ways list and visualize how you could have responded.
Your investment in peace of mind
Work your way through all the anger-triggers on your list. Leave the highest scoring ones till last when you will have built up skill and confidence in neutralizing triggers. These steps will require a few minutes a week but when you consider how long have you been at the mercy of your anger moods you may well decide that this is a good investment of your time and attention.
Watch out for Secondary Gain...
Secondary gain is a psychological term for the pay-off you get from having a problem. So what do you get from becoming angry? Does it give you a feeling of power, as for example when you notice that it intimidates others? Does it give you a feeling of being hard-done-by? Is anger the only way you currently have of protecting yourself from others who might otherwise control or overwhelm you?
This secondary gain will undermine your anger-resolving process unless you get it really clear in your mind that you no longer want such a pay-off. Or that you now have better ways of attaining it.

Last point - Not All Anger is Unhealthy
Bear in mind that not all anger is unhealthy. Sometimes anger is quite appropriate - it can be our final defense against allowing other people to manipulate or dominate us. And it can motivate us to take action against injustice.
Anger is healthy when it is not on-going but is usefully channeled into appropriate action.

Information from www.pe2000.com

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

How many of the following attitudes and behaviors are present in your relationships?
- Communication is open and spontaneous
- Rules/boundaries are clear and explicit, yet allows flexibility
- Individuality, freedom, and personal identity is enhanced
- Each enjoys doing things for self as well as for the other
- Play, humor, and having fun together is commonoplace
- Each does not attempt to "fix" or control the other
- Acceptance of self and other
- Assertiveness: feelings and needs are expressed
- Humility: ability to let og of the need to "be right"
- Self confidence and security in own worth
- Conflict is faced directly and resolved
- Openness to consructive feedback
- Each is trustful of the other
- Balance of giving and receiving
- Negotiations are fair and democratic
- Tolerance: forgiveness of self and other
- Mistakes are accepted and learned from
- Willingness to take risks and be vulnerable
- Other meaningful relationships enter and exist
- Each can enjoy being alone and privacy is resepcted
- Personal growth, change, and exploration is encouraged
- Continuity and consistency
- Balance of oneness (closeness) and separation from eachother
- Responsibility for own behaviors and happiness (not blaming other)

Do You Need Marriage Counseling?

Signs That Your Marriage May Need Marriage Counseling

1. Communications between the partners often take on a negative tone of and result in hostility or antagonistic encounters.
2. Communications are so bad that most talks about marriage problems end up in arguments or verbal fights.
3. Marriage problems have led to violence or physical fighting.

4. Marital troubles cause one spouse to become depressed, anxious, drink excessively, feel insecure, lose their self-esteem or withdraw.
5. One or both partners avoids or withdraws from the other or develops a lifestyle that leaves out the other against their wishes.
6. There are sexual problems in the relationship that cannot seem to be solved and if the sexual problems cause negative feelings or frustration.
7. Either marital partner has been unfaithful or is seriously considering having an affair.
8. A couple agrees together that they have marriage problems and do not know how to change things or solve their differences.
9. A spouse acts out feelings with actions that are mean, hateful or resentful.
10. Partners are staying together "for the sake of the children".

Why Choose a Marriage Counselor or Family Therapist?

Certainly, your friends, family and religious community can be excellent sources of advice, guidance and support for you and your partner in your time of need. However, no one is better equipped than a trained professional, such as a marriage counselor or family therapist, to help you work through the toughest parts of your marital difficulties.

Research repeatedly demonstrates the effectiveness of marriage and family therapy in treating the full range of mental and emotional disorders and health problems that may arise in times of marital difficulty.

Studies show that clients are highly satisfied with services of marriage counselors and family therapists. Clients report marked improvement in work productivity, co-worker relationships, family relationships, partner relationships, emotional health, overall health, social life and community involvement.

Marriage and Family Therapists regularly practice short-term therapy. About half of the treatment provided by MFTs is one-on-one with the other half divided between couple and family therapy, or a combination of treatments.

Mood and Food

MOOD AND FOOD
Understand The Relationship
Unexpected changes at work, going out for dinner, dining at a buffet — all can trigger urges to overeat. Mood, however, also can trigger overeating. For some people, eating may be a way of suppressing or soothing negative emotions, such as stress, anger, anxiety, boredom, sadness and loneliness. These negative states can be caused by everything from major life events to simple day-to-day hassles. Though the "comfort foods" turned to in times of trouble might provide short-term fixes, they can lead to an unhealthy long-term habit of eating in response to negative feelings, not hunger.

Emotional eaters don't necessarily eat more foods, they eat more unhealthy foods, such as starchy, sweet, salty and fatty foods. Consequently, if stress or negative emotions are chronic, emotional eating can cause health problems such as weight gain and increased cardiovascular risk.

The good news is that if you're prone to emotional eating, you can regain control of your eating habits. By understanding the reasons why stress and negative emotions may cause you to crave those unhealthy snacks, and how you can avoid indulging your cravings, you're well on your way to avoiding a dietary disaster.

The Connection Between Mood and Food
Major life events — such as unemployment, health problems, divorce and a shortage of emotional support — and daily-life hassles — such as a difficult commute to work, bad weather, and changes in your normal routine — are both thought to trigger emotional eating. But why do negative emotions lead to overeating?

A Physiologic Connection
How your body reacts to mood and food may play a role. Research indicates that some foods might have seemingly addictive qualities for many people. When you eat palatable foods, such as chocolate, your body releases trace amounts of mood- and satisfaction-elevating opiates. That "reward" may reinforce a preference for foods that are most closely associated with specific feelings.
Scientists are also studying the possibility that sweet and fatty foods might actually relieve your anxiety. Preliminary research in animals indicates that during a stressful event, the adrenal gland increases production of stress hormones, including those known as glucocorticoids. When they're present at high-enough concentrations, glucocorticoids help restore calm by shutting down the stress-response system. But when stress is chronic, the system keeps moving. The stress hormones maintain the stress response, which encourages the formation of fat cells, and steers you in the direction of the unhealthy favorites you think you need to restore your emotional state.

A Psychologic Connection
From a mental standpoint, food also can be a distraction. If you're worried about an upcoming event, or rethinking a conflict from earlier in the day, eating comfort foods may distract you. But the distraction is only temporary. While you're eating, your thoughts may be focused on the pleasant taste of your comfort food. Unfortunately, when you're done overeating, your attention returns to your worries, and you may now bear the additional burden of feeling guilt about overeating.

Managing mood and food: How to cope
In the long run, stress-related eating is an unhealthy coping strategy. If you think you have a clinical disorder, such as depression, see your doctor. If you think you're experiencing stress, follow these tips to help you avoid the unhealthy consequences of emotional eating:

Learn to recognize true hunger. Is your hunger physical or mental? If you ate just a few hours ago and don't have a rumbling stomach, you're probably not really hungry. Give the craving a few minutes to pass.
Know your triggers. For the next several days, write down what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat, how you're feeling and how hungry you are. Over time, you may see patterns emerge that reveal negative eating patterns and triggers to avoid.
Look elsewhere for comfort. Instead of unwrapping a candy bar, take a walk, treat yourself to a movie or call a friend. If you think that stress relating to a particular event is nudging you toward the refrigerator, try talking to someone about it to distract yourself. Plan enjoyable events for yourself.
Don't keep unhealthy foods around. Avoid having an abundance of starchy, high-fat, high-calorie comfort foods in the house. If you feel hungry or blue, postpone the shopping trip for a few hours so that these don't influence your decisions at the store.
Snack healthy. If you feel the urge to eat between meals, choose a low-fat, low-calorie food, such as fresh fruit, pretzels or unbuttered popcorn. Or test low-fat, lower-calorie versions of your favorite foods to see if they satisfy your craving.
Eat a balanced diet. If you're not getting enough calories to meet your energy needs, you may be more likely to give in to emotional eating. Try to eat at fairly regular times. Include foods from the basic groups in your meals. Emphasize whole grains, vegetables and fruits, as well as low-fat dairy products and lean protein sources. When you fill up on the basics, you're more likely to feel fuller, longer.
Exercise regularly. Your mood is more manageable and your body can more effectively fight stress when it's fit and well rested.
Prevent relapse. If you give in to emotional eating, forgive yourself and try to learn from it. Make a plan for how you can prevent it in the future.

Though strong emotions can trigger cravings for food, you can take steps to control those cravings. "Start by examining how negative moods and emotions affect your eating habits," says Matthew Clark, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. "If you think you have an anxiety, depressive or other mood disorder, consult with your doctor about treatment options. If you think stress is playing a more prominent role, monitor your mood, plan stress-reducing activities and seek out social support."

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(c) 2005 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. All rights reserved.